Funny situation. Sarcastically funny actually, because there is no way of getting out without hurting someone. Who to hurt is the main question.

Alicia. A persona with gentle soul who doesn’t want want to see any one hurt. Ever. She feels a lot of pain when she sees other people hurting. Even if she is just passing them by, she still feels pain when she sees that they are hurting. She cries when she sees children hurting, when she sees homeless guy shaking, when she sees true lovers being separated. It hurts her a lot to see other people hurt.

She truly, from deep inside of her hart wishes that no one would get hurt in any way. Even if Alicia understands well that pain is many times even good for growth.

So, Alicia found herself in a sarcastically funny situation that I’ve mentioned earlier in this post. She is divided between hurting herself or hurting others. If she does what she would like to do, she will badly hurt others. Many of them. As they are all very close to her, she really cares about them. But if she suppress what she wants to do, then she’ll hurt herself. Badly.

Alicia choose to hurt herself. No one forced her into that. Yes, others who she care about, have influenced her and they made it clear to her that she will hurt them if she does what she would like, but still, no one really forced her which option to choose. The decision is on her. It’s her decision to choose to hurt herself instead of others. So, she convinces herself that she needs to deal with it and to move on. At least she thinks she does.

She puts on a smile, so that others wouldn’t have noticed how much she is hurt. But she is, pretty badly. She cries a lot when she is alone, as she needs to get it out somehow. She works a lot to keep her mind busy with other things, but it’s not helping all the time.

From time to time, she breaks even in front of the people that she tried to protect from getting hurt. Of course they see it. Of course they know that she is hurting herself, because she didn’t want to hurt them. They are close to her and they can see easily if she is suffering or not. But they choose to ignore it. They wait until she feels a little bit better and then they pretend like nothing happened. No one is even trying to help her, to protect her, as she did for them.

Do they really care about her? Even a bit? She doesn’t believe they do. She believes that if they would care at least half as she does for them, they would let her to be herself, to do what she dreamed to do and wouldn’t put any conditions on it. But still, even if she believes that they don’t care about her, she doesn’t want to break anyone. And she chooses not to. She continues to live in great pain.

Is she doing the right thing? Probably not. She should put herself first. But I can relate to her and understand that it’s hard for her to see others in pain. Are her actions defined as greater act? Even if they are, Alicia doesn’t care about that. It means nothing for her.